


I got abducted by aliens and only got an amazon gift certificate to show for it

by letmetellyousomething



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abduction, Alien Abduction, Body Horror, M/M, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 18:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1951914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letmetellyousomething/pseuds/letmetellyousomething
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now Sollux looked really fed up.<br/>Okay, Dirk was probably pushing it with the anal probing, but he wanted this to go somehwere... drastic.<br/>Because frankly? This was wasting his time and he didn't see why he should give a shit about the sensibilities of his abductor.</p><p>Dirk gets abducted by Sollux for a study on human gaming behavior for his social communiterminator class. Neither of them gets far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I got abducted by aliens and only got an amazon gift certificate to show for it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doxian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doxian/gifts).



When Dirk woke up he was strapped to his seat.

  
"Okay, I'm going to ask you a few questions, you answer them honestly and then I drop you off again. As participant you might win an amazon gift certificate if you're stupid enough to give me your email address or your home address, which comes down to the same thing for me anyway. Uh, did you hear me?"

Dirk assessed his situation.  
He was sitting on the backseat of what appeared to be a car, on the parking lot of a cinema for adult movies. Next to him sat a creature that looked like a human in an unimaginative, albeit well done costume, who spoke in a weird accent. They were strapped to the seat with a seat belt like Dirk himself. They held a clip board.  
As far as Dirk could tell he himself was physically well and his thoughts clear, although he remembered taking some harmless drugs as experimental self-medication before his memory blacked out.

"Where are we?" he asked.  
"On my space ship. Well, to be more exact, this is a simulation which is generated to appear as a neutral business environment, based on your brain waves. Hey!"

Dirk had opened the door and stepped out of the car, which turned out to be a wired three square meter big cube inside a room that looked remarkably like.. a space ship.

"You had to go and ruin my experiment set up." the alien said annoyed. "How is this supposed to be comparable to the other specimen now?"  
"You made it a tad too easy," remarked Dirk.  
"Just get back in here!"  
"Is all your human trivia knowledge based on the Simpsons?"

  
Red and blue sparks began pulling him into the car again.  
"I have to admit at least you're referencing a classic episode-"  
He tried to evade them with a flash step- suckers never saw that one coming- but the power tendrils were surprisingly quick. And strong.  
Okay.

Time to examine his examiner in turn.

  
At least their facial expression had to be comparable, because they had something like a nose, a mouth, probably at least two eyes behind those two lenses, etc.

Dirk's context could only be that of his limited human experience, but he concluded that:

1) the alien looked like they were trying to smell their own nostrils  
2) they wore 3D shades, but without the right attitude  
3) their mouth was already returning to a passive annoyed line instead of showing fury about his tried escape  
4) they wore unfitting clothes  
5) they had chosen to sit next to him, instead of taking the front seat  
6) the alien looked almost the same when one observed them from outside the cube. What had been omitted in the simulation were the cables which led into their cervix, probably to link a central device to their CNS; additionally their muscle mass was in reality so far decreased that they might as well have been a living mummy with some sick 3D shades.

Dirk doubted they could even move like this outside of the simulation. It reminded him of a marionette, which gave the situation an interesting angle.

"So do you mind if I ask you who you are?" asked Dirk after he thought he knew enough.

  
"I do, that's why you just have to call me- Sollux," the alien smirked quietly to himself, while taking their goddamn time to flip through the questions.

  
"I'm guessing that probably means something like 'dickmaster' in your language."

"Ehehe, you've got it."

"Good to know, because popular alien lore suggests that you're either going to impregnate or anal probe me. I would prefer the latter, not gonna lie."

Sollux grimaced. "Can you shut up with your idle talk about in vitro reproduction? This will only be a second really, you don't have to do much except for answering my questions.  
...Would you describe yourself as a 'gamer'?"

"Nah. The term seems to be loaded with baggage I don't particular care to adorn myself with. I also don't see how it's a thing."

"Okay..."

"I'll go with Game Bro."

Sollux sighed. "You're just supposed to answer with yes or no, or with qualifiers I tell you."

"That would misrepresent hells of key subtleties though. Don't you want to get to know me before you probe me?"

"I am probing your gaming behavior now, so stop arguing."

"Discourse is essential for good scientific practice. You have to keep yourself on the go, pal."

"...Next questions. What's your age and gender?"

"Male. What's yours?" Dirk retorted.

"Uh, I'm a guy."

"Nice. Do you have a control group for this?"

Sollux squinted. "Why the fuck would I need that? Either the questions prove my hypothesis right like I want them to or they don't and I debug them!"

"Those self-proving methods and the fact that you abducted me for your studies although I wasn't intoxicated enough to discredit my testimony makes me wonder about your legitimacy as an alien scientist. You should get back to the basics..."

"Fuck, are you one of these 'galactic anthropologists against experimental abduction' people? Get off my ass, I'm only taking this module for my social communiterminator class."

"...the basics, which means the foundational research of the human rectal cavity."

Now Sollux looked really fed up. Maybe. It was hard to be certain, because he was an alien after all. Okay, Dirk was probably pushing it with the anal probing, but he wanted this to go somewhere. Because frankly? He hadn't asked to get his time wasted like this and he didn't see why he should give a shit about the sensibilities of his abductor.

He also distinctively remembered from before being abducted that he had wished something drastic would happen, so he was looking forward to either likely result: a fight, or sex.

"Look, you were sitting in the middle of the street in the night, you looked pretty out of it," said Sollux slowly.

  
"I appreciate your concern, Sollux. But that's really only normal behavior when you worry about cancer."

"...Cancer."

"Prostate cancer to be precise."

"Sorry if I'm going out on a fucking limb here, but am I right that prostate is associated with your obsession with your own rectal cavity?"

Yep, the alien looked definitely fed up. He was now withdrawing something that looked like a sleek, black shoehorn. It was either a laser pistol or an anal probe. Dirk got ready to fight.

"Dude, I'm only hoping to get diagnosed by inserting vaguely described alien technological instruments into my butt. Health care is lackluster on earth in that regard."

Sollux didn't quite manage to poke Dirk in the stomach with the device, but it beeped affirmatively anyway. Dirk berated himself for not evading quickly enough - he had thought Sollux couldn't react fast enough with his telekinesis alone. Simulation Sollux pressed some buttons with his thumps.

"Okay, you can calm your non-existing balls. It says you're not in danger of inherited prostate cancer because you have no prostate. Happy?"

"Very. Now are you going to delete what presumably is my dna data?" said Dirk, frowning.

  
Sollux looked up and peered at Dirk's forehead. "However you might want to look into 'early receding hairline'."

Dirk winced. Was the guy trying to comfort him with that?  Sollux clicked further until the device beeped again and snickered.

"Ehehe, I'm just screwing with you. You should've seen the look on your face. And I deleted your data, fyi."

"It's rude to abbreviated in face to face conservation. Thought I should fresh you up on human etiquette," Dirk added half hearted. Sollux scrunched up his face.

"I'll go out on another fucking limb here, which probably means I'm strutting bipedally like a big douchebag, but whatever. Are you looking for serious trouble with me?"

He didn't sound very accusingly, instead it sounded like he had resigned himself to embarrassment.

"Because every non helmsan seems to be okay to fuck around for a while caliginous-wise until they get freaked out by the brain in a jar aspect."

"Sorry, I have no clue what you're talking about with the trouble bit. I was just trying to rile you up."

"Neverfuckingmind, that's just fucking typical." The alien looked deflated.

Dirk patted his arm awkwardly. It had been more fun to banter around. He could actually feel Sollux' physical body for a moment.

"Btw. You're doing a muppet face right now."

Sollux glared at him weakly, but decided to ask anyway. "What's a muppet?"

"It's a mixture between a mop and a puppet. ...you're not familiar with them, I see. They're the mainstream puppet dealer on earth. Wholesome comedy franchise for young and old with the usual fetish fuels." Sollux scrunched up his face in a different, annoyed/endearing way.

"You are, in fact, giving a perfect kermit face impression right now."

"Well fuck you, this is just how my face simulation works! I'm not pointing out that yours looks like a flat ape face with a weak chin, am I?"

"Harsh. I was actually giving you an earnest compliment there."

"Yeah, right, that's what my moirail would say." Sollux said sourly.

"I'm not getting moirails signals here." said Dirk, although he had no idea what a moirail was.

It went pretty well after that remark.

 

"So what if he didn't call you back?" Roxy asked eight weeks and three days later.

"I agreed to the option that the survey would be repeated in eight weeks."

"You saaaid there is a chance it was all in your head though, right? I mean you took some stuff..."

"Just because I made a reference to a commonly used conception of mental accountability doesn't mean that I consider it the case. I also won that amazon gift certificate, remember."

Roxy patted his arm. "You know and that's okayish. Sometimes you hook up with an imaginary alien boyfriend and he doesn't call back. Tough shit."

Since she had gotten a boyfriend herself she was somewhat more relaxed about these things, but at least she tried.

"I mean you probably mistook his signals. Maybe you thought you were making out properly, but you actually totally effed up his romantic bile feeding ritual by french kissing."

"That would be disturbing."

The door bell rang.

"On it." said Dirk, making sure that he stood up slowly.

"That must be the pizza. Or probs flowers from John!" That wasn't an exaggeration, but instead of a jaded flower delivery guy there was a space ship in front of Roxy's house.

"Hey." said Dirk, strolling into its headlights. He was glad that he had chosen the nicer tank top this morning.

"Hi." said an electronic voice.

"What happened dude, weren't you supposed to show up three days ago?"

"What? No, I'm on time... We had two international holidays. And one leap day. Don't you have those on earth?"

"Okay. I guess not."

"Fuck, you thought I stood you up, didn't you? Here I time travel all the way into the future just to be la-" the voice managed to sound exasperated.

"Chill. What do you wanna do?"

"I thought movies at a drive-in cinema and dinner."

"You don't want to repeat the survey first? I prepped."

"Nah, your candy crush score makes you a statistical outlier anyway." Sollux said after a pause.

**Author's Note:**

> Cop-out, I know. originally there would have been more surveying and ...probing involved. Maybe I'll add a more explicit version when I'm not at my family's place


End file.
